Growing up, if I really think about it, I wasn’t taught all that much about how relationships were supposed to develop. I was basically left to just “wing it”, which I think is how the majority of us are taught.

I knew what was the norm, and I knew that if I didn’t achieve that norm or standard, I could potentially live the rest of my life feeling like a failure.

Try as I might, I attempted what I understood to be the traditional way, an American way, a Catholic(ish) upbringing way. And I failed. Not just once, but twice and beyond.

After that, I thought that something was wrong with me. I just couldn’t fit into the fucking box. I felt broken. Why couldn’t I make it work? It was my responsibility, right?

I tried to be the perfect girlfriend, that would turn into the perfect wife, and then the perfect mother and so on and so forth…

Not only did I not get it right, but the thought of breaking up was actually liberating, whereas the thought of trying to shove myself back into the box in my next traditional relationship was a daunting consideration.

I had an understanding, though, that relationships and sex had to happen in this one particular way because the rest of the ways were disrespectful, dirty, irresponsible, unethical, immoral, or just plain wrong.

So, if tradition isn’t making you happy, at what point do you give in and give the “dark side” a try?


I’m not wasting another goddamn second of my precious, limited time on this Earth not being in a state of extreme self-love, freedom and fun. And I certainly won’t spend another second worrying about being the “talk of the town”. Neither should you.

Also, I’ll let you in on a secret… I like being the talk of the town!

I get to be a topic of discussion, which means that I get your energy. Thank you.

I get to inspire others in unexpected ways. So I let my freak flag fly.

I get to be entertaining; I know my stories are fucked up sometimes, but I laugh at them too.

I get to be a role model. Yes, you heard me. A role model for a rising generation of liberated individuals.

I say to all who worry about “the town”… fuck the town, babes, they shouldn’t control your happiness. They will not take your last breath with you and they will not regret the things you didn’t do. That’s all on you.

So, on this Saturday, I walked in the door of a and was greeted by a very kind middle-aged, full-figured African American woman who looked like a great hugger. Just what you would expect when going to a swingers club on “Femme Domm” night.

I have yet to openly admit that I live a polyamorous lifestyle, although I think the majority of you have already come to that conclusion.

Despite being a “the more the merrier” type person, I’ve never found myself in a sex club aside from a “normal” female or male strip club.

And frankly, if they aren’t high-scale enough, they typically seem terribly degrading.

So, I walked into the club in the best way I possibly could – Apparently single and with no expectations.

Here is what I saw, felt and found…

Straight people in monogamous relationships, which can often lead to a lack of sexual attention, ranging from pent-up arousal to outward aggression, have a LOT to learn from the swinging, lifestyle, poly scene.

I have never seen respect like the respect I found in that establishment.

Strangely enough, not everyone is there to get fucked or pick people up. I saw a few couples come in, make out in the corner, play voyeur for a little while and then leave.

I watched women in bras dance to the music in front of the DJ booth while onlookers openly encouraged them in the most playful way possible. I watched people prowl, predator/prey style. I watched women get violet currents up and down their necks, arms, and breasts. It was like a booth you would visit at a carnival. I saw plus-sized mamas strutting in all their beautiful, bold glory, fishnet bodysuit and all.

And this was all downstairs.

Take a walk up to the second floor and well… the heat turns up significantly. There was an open room that looked like a play area for kids in a daycare, except there were double king beds along both walls. I think the sheets were made of black plastic and a stack of towels was poised and ready for whenever you and your consenting lovers were ready to make a spectacle, letting your inner exhibitionist out for all to see and enjoy.

And the little enclosed area on the side of that? It had a machine called a Symbian… yes, I want one too.

The average “Debra” would be completely appalled by what I watched happening in these intimate areas.

I loved it.

Maybe it was the atmosphere.

Maybe it was the novelty.

Maybe it was the freedom.

Maybe it was the wrongness.

Who knows? All I can tell you is that it was enchanting.

A young black couple went at it with an impressive flair for a while. She had a bright pink collar on and he seemed like the one you’d bring home to mom – for sure.

When they finished, the male in the couple received a kind, encouraging pat on the back from an older white gentleman with long hair and a soft gaze. “Nice job”, he said.

I watched two couples embrace opposite partners with an “I’ve missed you”.

I heard the gentlemen around me listen intently to the women around them, always ensuring that comfort levels and boundaries were respected.

Radical inclusion in all forms is one of the most remarkable things in the world to witness. In the most unlikely, taboo of places, I saw everything that humanity is based on and I am a better person for it.

Remember that there is always more than one way to “do it”.

“It” being this thing called life, this thing called relationships, this thing called sex, this thing called love. It is a mission of mine in this life to disparage the taboo, to showcase the other ways that pleasure can exist, to liberate people in the process, and to encourage more love in all its forms.

My challenge to you?


It’s the easiest way to learn new things about yourself. When you know yourself, you love yourself. When you love yourself, you have a greater ability to receive more love and, in turn, love others.

Allow yourself to fully grasp the vastness of the things you don’t know about yourself, as well as the things you don’t know that you don’t know about yourself.

Revel in the endless, adventurous possibilities.

I love you, along with every color, pattern, and sparkle on your freak flag.



P.S. To everyone out there leading a life that is considered “alternative”, whether out in the open or solely behind closed doors, you have a voice in me. Another mission of mine is to desensitize this subject, make people feel comfortable enough to live in their truth, and show these lifestyles as they really are – centered on love.


P.P.S. I know what it feels like to hate the “norm” and not know what to do about it. I know what it feels like to navigate the “What the fuck do I do now?” period that occurs after disregarding certain norms and constructs. I know what it feels like to not know what to do next. That is why I do what I do.


“Sex is fun and pleasure is good for us.”

The Ethical Slut


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