How to Kick Your Boring Sex Habit

Every Tuesday, you do the same thing. Wake up, have breakfast, go to work, come home, have dinner and commence your weekly duty of “lovemaking”. These days, it seems as though sex is just another thing to tick off of your to-do list.

You ask yourself, where did the passion go? We used to be so hot for each other. When did the excitement and anticipation begin to wane? I love my partner, but will sex in my committed relationship be like this forever? How can I get that fire back?

How did we create this boring sex habit?

These questions are on the minds of men and women in every culture, race and ethnicity across the world. Today, relationships and marriages are based on the principle of love. Within that commitment, we require, expect and sometimes demand that the person we enter into the relationship with will allow us to feel safe and secure – a sense of permanence and reliability. We also want to feel adventure, passion, novelty, mystery, danger, excitement and surprise.

On top of all that, we are expected to be the best lover in the bedroom that our partner has ever had. We should be able to maintain lust and love and sprinkle multiple orgasms around like fairy dust.

The truth is, that is A LOT to ask for one person to give. But, hey, that’s modern committed relationships today. We expect one soul to give us what an entire village used to provide. The kicker of it all? We live twice as long as they did then when they HAD the village.

As a sex coach, men and women often come to me with stories similar to
“We love each other deeply, we really do. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. My partner is a great parent and supports me like I have never been supported before. We just don’t have sex like we used to anymore. What should we do?”

My response is to first understand the countering dynamics that are in play, and then find ways to use them to your advantage. I also point out that having great intimacy does not necessarily mean having great sex.

If you and your partner always follow the same emotional and/or physical day-to-day routine, wouldn’t it make sense that you take the same habits and monotony into the bedroom?

Possibly. And if so, what actions can you take to add spice back into your sex life without acting outside of your committed relationship?

First, I think it’s important to determine exactly what you want for yourself and your partner, what you interpret as lacking, and if you could fulfill your wildest fantasies, what that would look like.
Just like your carefully agreed-upon life choice of entering into a long-term relationship or marriage with your partner, ensuring your sexual needs get met should be just as carefully negotiated.

One of my biggest recommendations for couples to open the conversation about reinvigorating their sex lives is an exercise called the Want, Will, Won’t chart.

To begin with, take a piece of paper and divide it into three columns. At the top of each column, write Want, Will and Won’t.

In the want column, you will write things that you know you want to do, add or experience in your sex life. It is what you will do, a take it or leave it, or by request of your partner.

The will column is basically for the things that you are okay with, but are not necessary for your immediate pleasure. Sometimes what you write in the “Will” column is something you know your partner likes, but to which you are indifferent.

Follow the Will with your Won’t in the last column. The “Won’t” column is your non-negotiables – your hard limits. Whatever you determine belongs in your “Won’t” column is an understood boundary that is not to be crossed unless you determine that its position can change, and that you give clear consent for it to change.

Here are some examples:

  • I want to role play. I will dress in character and change my hair, name and accent. I won’t do it within our hometown city limits.
  • I want to experience anal sex. I will do it after a nice relaxing bath and massage. I won’t do it without natural water-based lubrication.
  • I want to have a tantric experience. I will go to classes to learn how to do it properly. I won’t do it when we have limited time or when the kids are in the house.
  • I want to have a threesome. I will do it in a room that is not our bedroom. I won’t do it with a close friend.

Create as many WWWs as you feel comfortable with. You and your partner should create them separately and then look them over together. When you are comparing the WWWs, look for overlaps and similarities. Those are good places to start.

Chances are that you will find out quite a few fun and even surprising things about your partner when undergoing this exercise. Make sure you maintain an open and nonjudgmental attitude when exploring each other’s lists.

The point of this exercise is to essentially show your long-term partner that there are different facets to you that they don’t know yet. In this way, you can become different and unique to them once again. It’s almost like having a mini-affair with the person you love because you get to try out things and have experiences that you have never tried before.

You and your partner can use the WWW chart as often as you like to spice things up in your sex lives, add elements of risk, pique adrenaline and bond further as a pair.

My recommendation is to create a new WWW chart every few weeks. Have them located somewhere in private for reference. Each partner chooses one day per week (or more!) to “set the scene”. You can add further excitement by not telling your lover what you have planned or the day you have it planned for.

Make sure that you have a safe word set ahead of time for encounters you are having for the first time, and make sure it’s not “No”, “Don’t”, “Stop” or any variation thereof. Go with a favorite fruit or vegetable to make it easier, and always respect the safe word.


Adventurously yours,

**Should you like guidance with creating your first Want, Will, Won’t chart or with opening up the discussion of sex with your partner in general, feel free to contact me personally at alexa@thevioletbutterfly.com

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