How to introduce sex toys when you have a shy partner

The very first time I remember seeing a sex toy was at a “Passion Party” hosted in the apartment of one of my college friends. The entire event was incredibly awkward and I remember doing my best to just relax and have fun. We played games where we talked openly about our sex lives and previous sexcapades.

Throughout the party, different toys were described and passed around for each of the attendees to get a little hands-on experience. The entire soiree was filled with nervous giggles and an almost palpable sexual electricity.

Towards the end of the party, we were given little ordering sheets of paper and were instructed to walk past a table with each toy laid out on display.

I remember being so nervous to make a choice, and even more nervous if I were to choose one that had to be delivered to my apartment, where I lived with my high school sweetheart.

I breathed a sigh of relief when the small purple vibrator I chose was the last one the party rep had in stock, so it was available to take home.

I left the event with giddiness and an excitement I had never felt before.

Interestingly, those positives were countered by slight thoughts that yielded shame as well. I grew up in a Catholic environment and I always struggled with the idea of self-pleasure, sex used as a means for pleasure, sex outside of marriage, and having an orgasm through means that were not with another person (who I should be married to).

I also knew that if I wanted to bring my new purchase into the bedroom with my partner, I would have to get over more than just how to figure out which way the batteries went.

Since that time in my life, things have changed a LOT. Now, sex and sexuality empowerment and exploration is a fabric of my being, and is what I spend most of my days helping people with.

I can’t help but relive a portion of that Passion Party story every time I have conversations with clients and friends who are looking to play with sex toys of any sort for the first time.

If my first experiences, with even the most basic toys, were awkward and slightly shame-filled, I imagine that there are plenty of other people out there who are just as shy about the idea.

Sharing from personal experience and from the experience of certain people I have worked with, here are a few good things to know when considering adding sexy playthings into some of your sexy time.

  1. Sex toys are meant to aid in your sexual pleasure, not replace your partner.
    If your partner makes a suggestion for the addition or exploration of sex toys, it doesn’t mean that you’re not pleasing them. If anything, that is a sign that your partner trusts you enough to be vulnerable in the midst of a very sacred, personal act.
  2. Make your decision based off of a conversation. I suggest creating a sex toy Want, Will, Won’t list so that you can determine your comfort level and your boundaries, along with the comfort level and boundaries for your partner. Once you have a better understanding of dynamics and preferences, you can make an informed sex toy purchase. Toys can be used for all sorts of play – vibrators, cock rings, dildos, BDSM scene accoutrements, and other kink-related material. It’s best to create your lists with open communication. Maybe take the BDSM Test at to help with your decision.
  3. I suggest that your first sex toy purchase include:
    a blindfold (a personal fave) – sensory deprivation enhances other active senses and can make the person who is blindfolded feel less exposed when playtime begins, while the person learning to give pleasure through sex toy play has the opportunity to relax and explore without having eyes on them the entire time.
    lube – if toys are going in or around the genitals!
  4. Have a safe word, and when playtime begins, continue communicating. Tell your partner when something feels good and when something does not. I find that a blindfold helps with the comfort level around keeping communication free-flowing as well.
  5. All sex toys are not created equal.
    Choose toys that are made of high-quality, non-toxic material.
    Some toys are waterproof and some are not. Make sure to check before you play, just in case your sexy session moves to a new environment.
  6. Knowing about the toy doesn’t take the fun out of it! The more information you get on sex toys that interest you, the easier it is to enjoy the experiences that include them.
  7. Get help where you need it if you are dealing with sexual shame from any area of your life.

I needed to heal from shame surrounding my faith and the lack of healthy sex-related information provided to me while growing up.

Step one is identifying the problem areas and then gaining assistance and support in healing from wounds in those aspects of your life. There are plenty of resources available and people like myself and other sex experts that specialize in sex education and sexuality empowerment, who can assist you on your journey. When you treat the core area of discomfort and/or pain, adding things like sex toys into your life can lead to magical, orgasmic experiences.

Sex toys can be a fun way to spice things up in the bedroom, but they can also be a way to further connect with yourself and your partner.

Understand that sometimes things don’t go according to plan; choose to laugh when things go a little different than your expectations. Always give certain toys and instances a second chance and remember to breathe and be present.

Sex is fun and pleasure is good for you.


Here are some of my favorite places to shop for toys. Please note, some of these are affiliate links and I may receive compensation for my recommendation.

1 reply
  1. Johnk716
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