The struggle is real after A-fest Jamaica 2017.

It’s never been harder to find words to describe an experience, because how can you really call something that literally completely shifts you and your life’s trajectory in unfathomable ways an “experience”?

Can you really call people who help you see your soul, just “friends”?

Is it possible to describe the contents your heart after being filled with so much unconditional love?

I’m having a hard time with it. What I can say though is that I am giving careful consideration to a proper integration of what has come to surface during one of the most, if not the most, profound weeks of my life thus far.

In a sentence . . . I am at peace.

I arrived already full, then I had my foundation shaken to the core. I felt I lost my way a little only to be replenished so abundantly by people I never thought could possibly exist on this planet.

I wanted to share some of the key lessons I learned during this adventure:


I freely surrender to the universe.

  • I learned that there is immense power is letting go, of allowing myself to not have to fight all of the time.
  • I learned to unconditionally love my dark. . . my shadow.
  • I made a promise to myself to share more of what that is to the world.
  • I declared that I will be even more open with who I am as a person and what my message and mission is in the world that I have already been.
  • I know that this will further attract my soul tribe to me and that together we will crusade to actually make an impact on this world. We will leave a legacy. We will be the change.
  • I will embrace my shadow, and when I do, I will see the beauty in it, and I will CELEBRATE that beauty unapologetically.

I will FORGIVE relentlessly.

  • I care not what anyone does to me, says to me, throws at me. . . I forgive. I love. I accept what is. Through forgiveness, I release. Through forgiveness I make space for my highest self.


I embrace my weird. 

  • I am the perfect combination of grounded, well-rounded human being and spiritual, goddess, fairy, unicorn and I fucking love myself for that.
  • I can get down with whatever you bring to the table. I will find where connection is possible, and I will love you for that, just as you are.
  • No longer will I look at myself as a being that needs to continuously work on myself to change things to make me better, but will look at what is already perfect and continue to put energy and focus there to make that light shine brighter so that I can make an even greater impact on those who come in contact with me.


I accept where I am at this moment.

For many reasons, I deny romantic love. Everyone loves to be loved and have love come into their lives, though I’ve been severely hurt. I’ve picked up the pieces of my shattered heart from the floor. I’ve slowly but surely pieced it back together, held it ever so gently in my arms before gingerly attempting to place it back to cradle in my chest. I have healed and accepted things that were done to me along with the part I played in having that hurt brought upon me to begin with.

Through my healing I have learned to love others in such a way I never thought I could, however, I’m not ready to have romantic love come to me again just yet.

Sure, I can tell you about my polyamorous/consensual non-monogamous preferences, about how I wish to design my sexual/relational partnerships in a way which keeps me perpetually single and living for myself only. And while most of that is true, the main part I leave out is that some of that is a protection mechanism. It’s taken so much time and effort to heal this heart of mine and I treat it with the respect and admiration it deserves.

  • I will never again compromise on my standards even if it means that I live and walk this world alone for an indefinite amount of time.
  • I acknowledge what I bring to the table and any person(s) must be ready for the literal journey of their lives should I accept them into mine.

I want people to love romantically who make me laugh, who make me cry tears of overwhelming joy who challenge me in a healthy way, who inspire me, who make me a better person because even in my darkest moments they show me compassion and remind me of the beauty I am. I desire fire, passion and sexual exploration. I want an intellectual, a philosopher, a dreamer, an adventurer, a believer in all things. I want a person (or people) to play with, who know that trust can come freely, that autonomy is as valuable as honesty. I need a partner(s) who use their imagination and who prioritize self-awareness in any situation and who love making money in the process. I need people to submit to and who will submit to the universe with me.

And, until I find this person/these people. . . I choose to find all of those things in myself.


I admire my patience.

Before Jamaica, I learned in a deep and powerful meditation, that I fought the universe. I thought the universe abandoned me, just like my father and any other man that has come into my life since my birth.

I was upset and I was tired. I was fed up with fighting, of always having to protect myself and my heart, so I made a promise to myself in the aftermath of that “meditation” to stop fighting, to feel what power feels like through bowing out or bowing down. I vowed that from now until forever that I will surrender to it, to the beauty that is, to the beauty that I am, since it is all one in the same.

At Afest Jamaica, I dropped in.

For the first time in my life, I really know what it means to truly surrender. I heard music that touched my soul. I closed my eyes and I let my body move in ways I rarely allow it to move. I breathed deeply, feeling each moment and movement come and go as the music coursed through my body. I allowed the DJs to penetrate my being with their creativity and magic and I was as high as I’d ever been.

I went to meditations where as soon as the words “relax into your body” was announced, I fully submersed myself into all that is physically me. I strengthened my connection to source more than I thought was possible for the current version of me. It was a true manifestation of the work I had been doing to this point, and it was amazing.

This is as grand of a babble as I have ever allowed my fingers to tap out to date. If you made it this far, thank you for listening. Thank you for being with me on my journey, for following along, for being one that loves alongside me.



If your soul is stirred by any of what I said, it’s a possibility you are one of us. We’re waiting for you, with an uncomfortably long hug, ready to help you transform into a person you never thought possible. Learn more about A-Fest here.

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