SOLO SEXY TIME

Questions from The Kaleidoscope ROUND TWO.

TK: I would like to know when you start dating one or multiple people, when is it ok to have THE talk about what you want and that you are for an open relationship? Do you tell the guy straight away or you wait for “the right moment”…

In my opinion, as soon as possible. There is no “right moment” when people and lives and feelings are involved. You want to protect yourself in these instances as well as the other person, especially since you care about them.

I suggest you are always open about what you are down for when it comes to sex and relationships with all potential partners (for a night or for long term).

You don’t want to set up unhealthy expectations for yourself or the other person. And you do not want to dread having the talk with them for fear that they will act unfavorably either, so you keep putting it off and you keep sacrificing who you really are and what you really want with each day that goes by. That sounds like fear of scarcity. It also sounds like the recipe for two-way resentment.

Each party involved needs to know what the other is about. If you are trying to attract someone and make them like you, but you aren’t completely upfront with them from the very beginning, think of the problems that may arise as your relationship develops.

If they aren’t into what you are into, they aren’t a good match anyway. You want someone who jumps for joy because they have found some one with an open mind that gets excited by possibilities, adventures and new experiences just like they do. They will be over the moon because they are beginning something with someone who they can fully be themselves with. That is magic and that is love.

So, speak from the start or forever hold your peace. Unless you don’t, then be prepared for what logically comes next!

JJG: Set up- my wife seems to be extremely sensitive to sexual stimulation. During intercourse she gets overly stimulated especially during orgasms and sometimes needs minutes before she handle any touch or intercourse.

The sex is great. For a few minutes at a time. it’s impossible to have a lengthy session though. It normally ends in multiple orgasms for her, and then she can’t handle it and I get a HJ or some other option.

Question: is there a way to make my wife less sensitive during intercourse, while still making it enjoyable for her? Ultimate goal, being able to have intercourse for more than 2-3 minutes at a time.

My first bit of advice is to start sexual play long before sexual intercourse begins. This will make the build up and total sexual encounter feel and seem much longer. Some ideas are sexting, spicy conversations throughout the day and maybe a trip to your local sex store to pick up “desensitizing lube”. Most of the lubricants are designed to help with anal sex, though I have seen on occasion some that are meant for the penis to help with premature ejaculation. though Most are vagina friendly. Of course numbing lube with a *cain % will wind up having an effect on both parts, though my recommendation is once you have found a lube that is healthy for the vagina, you use a barrier, like a condom during intercourse so that the lube does not directly effect you.

Speaking of condoms, have you tried a female condom some other sort of barrier. Yes, they are originally intended to prevent pregnancy and STI transmission, but they are also notorious for lessening sensation. Maybe give that a try.

Another recommendation is to “do it” with your clothes on. That is another barrier lessening sensitivity because you aren’t having so much skin to skin contact.

Avoid overly sensitive parts of her body other than just her vulva/vagina region.

You might consider hypnosis as an option. If hypnosis can help people to reach orgasm, I am sure it can go back the other way around!

And if a really lengthy session of romping is what you desire and you wish to share with your wife, a more radical approach is to consider is a sexual surrogate.

“Sexual surrogates, sometimes called surrogate partners, are hired by individuals experiencing sexual dysfunction to provide direct sexual activity, with the goal of improving the quality of the client’s future sexual experiences.”

Basically, you can hire someone as a third party to give you what you desire, while your wife is present.

I only recommend utilizing these types of services if your relationship if very communicative and emotionally stable. A sex surrogate is meant to strengthen bonds, help people over come fears, assist with performance issues and make love making over all more enjoyable for the primary people involved. Sex surrogates take a clinical approach to these activities and your relationship is ultimate concern.

There are many ways to get you and your wife the sex you want, you might want to start thinking outside the box to get it!

MK: Mine is regarding solo sex. I feel such a difference when Im with a man. the polarity of energies, his strong body, all of that drive me crazy. I can’t replicate the same sensations when masturbating. apart from a more philosophical aspect of that question (shakti-shiva, polarisation of energies, itp), im interested in your own experience and some practical ways to approach.

Fuck the masculine in you.

Mentally sex yourself. One of the most recommended tips I have found by sex coaches and sexologists is to get off with you as the main focus. Revel in the masculine that is within you. Or, make your male side the more dominant in the situation and please and touch yourself like you would want to be pleased and touched by a man, keeping your thoughts feminine and your moves masculine. Or, as a dominant woman, sex yourself like you would want another woman to sex you, with you as that woman. You probably get my point here. There are so many different ways you can connect with yourself and just as many dynamics you can be fluid with. Try them all out and add your tantric elements where you see fit.

And don’t forget to give yourself the post coital care you desire with a lover, to yourself. Caress, squeeze, love yourself fully in the after glow.

Masturbation is self pleasure so make it just that. You pleasuring you in whatever way that fits you best.

It’s ok for that to feel different than when you are connecting with the opposite sex, in fact I think those things should be heavily considered as separate. Hold on to your personal love and autonomy in one way and have deep, passionate sexual experiences with the men who come into your life in a completely different way.

BIG THANKS to all who submitted questions! As long as you keep liking, and following and telling your friends about me, I will continue to have reasons to keep giving you advice and other cool stuff J

If you have a question for me, you can send it to alexa@thevioletbutterfly.com

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Colorfully yours,

Alexa

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