HE’S BEEN MESSAGING ME.
YOU KNOW, THE ONE I WRITE ABOUT. . .
The one I started a fairytale life with that wound up more of a nightmare.
The one I use a my “example” when talking to clients – “Look where I was! And now I’m here! See, if I can do it anyone can!”
The person I was with when I learned what the term “sexless relationship” meant.
The person who I learned what living with a liar, cheater and manipulator was like.
The one who at times in my life after the breakup I said – “I could get news of his death and I wouldn’t even bat an eye.”
Yes. . .this one. . .after nearly 4 years. . .he wants to talk.
Before I tell you how I responded, I’d like to tell you about this picture.
It’s one of many GORGEOUS picture perfect landscapes that is the country of South Africa.
This was a stop for lunch while on a spontaneous “reconnecting trip”.
I was about to have surgery to remove a softball sized ovarian cyst the next week.
We were about to take on the biggest contract in our job yet.
Though I can’t speak for him. . .I can tell you from my side, I was absolutely miserable.
The scenery couldn’t console me, flowers, chocolates, a gorgeous bed and breakfast. . .and fuck the gifts. . .they were apology presents. I often looked at the things that were given to me with as much disgust as I looked at him.
This was at a time when the biggest thing on my mind was sex. Or lack there of. I remember feeling all consumed, like I was literally suffocating.
Every day holding my breath longer and harder until I eventually caved, gasping for air and crawling my way out.
But not before I went one. . .more. . .day. . .
Just to see if something would change.
To see if maybe today would be the day where I was desired, given the intimate attention I so craved from a partner. . .
Granted, if I detour for a moment. . .a month or so before this picture, he caved in and actually gave me the touch I wanted. I can’t remember how long it had been since the time before, months maybe? But it started with a kiss that felt so foreign that I felt like I was kissing a stranger. . .and one I didn’t even really like much. Because it’d been so long, all I wanted was sex itself. Or so I thought.
It happened. I cried.
Fast-forward to this trip. . .I was more concerned with how long before the next time and if I even wanted there to be a next time.
Even typing this out feels like I am swallowing a cotton ball. My head hurts and I feel the urge to hug myself. . .to remind myself where I am now.
Speaking of where I am now. . .
Life looks A LOT different and I would only know the difference between a life spent in heaven on earth versus my own private hell if I hadn’t have spent that time amongst the flames.
Paradoxically, as much as I have despised this man, as much as I have hated him, wished ill upon him and have taken pleasure in hearing of his pain. . .
He is one who I probably have the utmost gratitude for in my life. Sure I’m pleased with Mom’s job and all but when it comes to lessons learned as an adult. . .he takes the cake. Shit, he takes the whole fucking bakery – maybe even all the bakeries in America.
Without those experiences I would not have been able to figure out what I know for certain I do not want in my life. Without him I would not appreciate or recognize a man who worships everything about me.
Which is what I have now.
And I thank all the powers that be along with the above mentioned human when I look into my love’s eyes and I see him searching for my soul. . .and then he puts his hand over my heart and says – don’t you worry baby girl, I got this.
Only going through what I am certain is enough for a 3 part dramatic movie trilogy have I come to understand what my soul level standards are and accept nothing less.
So, thank you Facebook On This Day. . .for reminding me of what I look like with a fake smile on my face. Thank you for reminding me of where I have come from. Thank you for filling me up with gratitude while simultaneously reminding me of what I will actively choose not to allow into my life ever again. I am also reminded of a previous version of the me who attracted this relationship and who was an active and passive participant of its development and its demolition. I am reminded of the choices I made for my higher self moving forward.
It’s because of times like these that I appreciate the reverse gap and I take pause to remember -from the future- all the times when I approached moments of sadness and despair with consciousness and self-awareness. Where I reveled in the pain because I knew wild growth and transcendence was just on the other side!
So, how did I respond to his messages?
“I appreciate your sentiments.
I would like for you to leave me alone.”
I don’t typically ask others for advice with matters like these. . .but this time I asked Mom. She said – “There is something going on, I’d see what he wants. You are in a different place. Last time you spoke you were a completely different person.”
While I agree, I am in a totally different place now, I am not so sure about that “completely different person” part. I am still me. I still have the same traumas, triggers, fears, etc. But my hopes dreams and desires have shifted. My core principles, values and standards are VERY different. I am the same me, just choosing me, living for me, growing for me now versus then. I don’t necessarily believe people change. I do believe that they evolve. Should they choose to embark on a journey of true self discovery, living consciously and infusing their choices and interactions with self awareness. . .it’s not change that occurs, it’s transcendence. . .it’s EVOLUTION.
I am in the practice of receiving messages from people and feeling into how I’d like to respond. If nothing pressing comes to mind from the gut/heart/vagina then I leave the message until something does.
When thinking about responding to these message, nothing ever came up. A little rage at first, sympathy, maybe even a little empathy. But never was the desire to get on the phone and talk anything out.
Just like this picture, he represents where I’ve come from. . .a place I don’t desire to return, even for the briefest of visits. Though. . .I’ll admire from afar.
He, and this picture remind me of how greatly I and so many I know live a façade.
We appear happy in pictures, in a crowd, on the phone, especially on social media. . .
But on the inside, we are dying a slow and pathetic death of not choosing what we truly desire most – a life that happens FOR us instead of TO us.
Finally, I let these messages received and this picture remind me of what is always available to me. . .ME.
A note to all the versions of me – past, present, future
You are such a gorgeous soul. You are caring. You are passionate. You are loving. You are unique. You are worthy. You are strong. Beautiful. Creative. Determined. Resilient. Comical. Playful. Curious. Imaginative. Peaceful. Flowy. Warm. Feisty.
You SEE people. You encourage the best. You are supportive. You are empathetic, compassionate and kind. You are perpetually GROWING.
You have always been and always will be ENOUGH.
You, my sweet girl. . .are love itself.
I will not give a synopsis of sorts to round this out. . .there are messages laden throughout my story. Different parts will resonate to different people in different places in their lives. Whichever section you felt with. . .CELEBRATE it.
You get one life. . .and the most consistent player in this game is YOU. Choose YOU.
If you need anyone to give you permission. . .here it is.
I love you.
This is the relationship that started my obsession with understanding relationships, seeking knowledge of the alternative to traditional and learning the literal ins and outs of sex itself.
It’s what lead me to choose sex, love and relationships as a career and what I have come to understand is my divinely gifted purpose on this planet to assist others with.
I look at the reflection above as a necessary step on my journey to the be the best sex positive community architect and coach I can possibly be.
What I’ve learned since then and where I’ve allowed myself to go with my perpetual, insatiable curiosity has led me to becoming a catalyst for shifting and growing for others.
Spending time with me typically leads to LIBERATION.
Which is why my current group coaching program is called:
IF YOU DESIRE TO:
Drop the relationship struggle
Reprogram jealousy and insecurity into acceptance and confidence
Spice up your sex life with ease and flow
Stop hiding and start owning/embracing who you are
Experience deep love and connection and the sex you have always fantasized about
Become your most confident sexual self
Share your truth and ask for your desires unapologetically
Live in a state of deep self-love, worthiness
Understand how to become more orgasmic or last longer during sex
Shift into a state of true liberation
Bonus: Alexa’s Toy Chest – Floggers, rope, crops… oh my
Ever been to a sex shop or perused one online? Ever been
overwhelmed at where to start, what to purchase or creeped out
by other buyers? restraints, clamps, lube, condoms, vibrators, dildos,
butt plugs – every toy you ever wanted to know about, explained.
Bonus: Learn my process for navigating safer sex conversations and turning it into foreplay
THEN YOU CAN’T LET YOURSELF MISS THIS!
SOUL LEVEL STANDARDS: It’s truth time. Having next level relationships starts with YOU.
WANTS/WILLS/WON’T’S: let’s talk about SEX baby. When you know what you want,
what you are willing to try and what is completely off limits sexually, you can show up
confidently and receive ultimate pleasure.
IDEAL RELATIONSHIP: oh yes! No need to ever settle again. We will be diving deep –
the person, the life, the sex – it is all intertwined. This is super fun and a favorite
amongst my clients
OWNING YOUR TRUTH – The art of confident and compassionate communication.
Awkward and difficult conversations will be a thing of the past. Fun-comfortable is waiting for you.
TALK DIRTY TO ME: Flirtintexting, email, in person – being naughty never felt so nice. This week we learn to infuse sex and sensuality is everything we do.
LOVE MANIFESTOR – Get everything you desire on repeat!
Live Group Coaching from me each week (all recorded)
Daily support and feedback in the Private FB group
A community of open-minded, conscious people on the same journey
Program materials in a safe and separate space for you to access in future.
My intention is to make this program my signature course.
I also intend to increase the price by double if not triple the next time I offer it.
If you are moved by this message, intrigued by what’s being offered above, I encourage you – choose you!
There is no better time than now to do so (for SO many reasons!)
THE CART FOR THIS PROGRAM CLOSES TODAY!!
*link in the comments below!