Being a Dominatrix has made
me a better Coach

To the average uneducated person, it would sound utterly ridiculous that having been a Dominatrix would transfer in any form of coaching.

In fact, I have discovered that the majority of people either assume that I was a prostitute who whipped people or they had no idea what a Dominatrix even is – not sure how they missed the whole ‘50 Shades of Grey’ craze.

You see there is a huge misunderstanding by the public that Dominatrix is about sex when in fact it is more common that there is no sexual contact during sessions. It would seem that for many people they assume that if one person is nude than there must be some sort of sexual activity going on.

I suspect that this is why for years as a massage therapist I would get guys asking for a happy ending, as if them being naked under the sheets is automatically going to mean that they are going to get a hand job or something from me. I have set many men set straight on that point over the years.

The reality is that Dominatrix work is about creating a space where clients get to experience a deep level of surrender. They come in and give up control, surrender to the demands of the Domme (all of which have been pre-negotiated and discussed). It is an illusion. They are not actually giving up control but it is the game we play like actors on the stage taking up a role. The role of submission is supported by the Domme holding the power and control for them, holding the space so that they can let go of all of the stress, worry and demands of the day to day life.

Done well, a session will drop the client into a very deep trance like state that we call “sub space”. Connecting to a spiritually transformative space and energy that not only releases all the outside pressures but also allows one to see themselves differently, seeing a stronger side of themselves as a result of having surrendered to the pain and letting it be something erotic and sensual instead of painful. This zone is similar to what is experienced by those who undergo a long fast (days or weeks long) or those who go on a physically intense ‘Vision Quest’.

This is where things start to translate to the coaching world. As a Dominatrix I push people to experience pain and transform it into something they want more, and as a coach I teach people how the pain they perceive is within their ability to be experienced as something neutral or even enjoyable.

As a Dominatrix I was limited to showing people one side, the surrender, which is beautiful and transformative and at the same time somewhat limiting. I longed to have people move from that space of submission to claiming the feminine power of the Dominatrix. The other side of the whip where they learn to be of service to learn to hold space in a way that is clearly shows they are in charge without the need to be pushy or self centered.

This is why I retired the whips and moved to the energy and mindset coaching, pulling all the delightful learning’s from my time as a Dominatrix into the world of the entrepreneurs.

On the outside it looks as if the Domme is in total control and can do whatever she likes, however remember this is all a role. The boundaries are clearly negotiated and discussed well before any scene begins. The actual fact is that the submissive has all of the control all of the time. They have the ability to stop the scene at any point, despite the role of submission and the surrender of total control we both know that there is this ultimate power of the full stop “Red” that can be invoked at any time. The submissive agrees to surrender, knowing that the reward in doing so is this incredible release and spiritual high.

I see a similar dynamic with coaching, clients come in to be guided and yet what is actually happening is they are reconnecting to their inner power and inner guru. It is not my guidance that they are getting but in fact tapping into their own through the coaching. They surrender to the process, and surrender the need to micro manage their lives and business giving them more ease and more energy.

On the other side of things, the Dominatrix has to learn how to authentically be confident. The submissive can feel the difference and they are generally not willing to surrender if you are not holding that confidence and strength they are craving. I had to learn really fast how to step into that bold confidence while keeping my focus on the client, what they needed and what all the negotiated boundaries were while also keeping a scene flowing and exciting. During a scene your mind is doing mental gymnastics, keeping all the plates spinning while not letting on that this is anything but natural and easy.

This skill is invaluable to anyone in business but particularly those growing a larger business or creating radical changes in the world. The more your business grows, the more balls that are in the air at once needing to be managed and all the while staying sane. Becoming more present and more aware of everything that is going on so that you avoid the overwhelm. Granted this is not a skill that is natural for most people, but thankfully it is one that can be taught to just about anyone.

The Dominatrix world offers some unique insights and lessons for anyone in business but as a coach myself the biggest gift to my clients is that I am willing to allow people to be uncomfortable in order to hold the space for them to shift into a far greater version of themselves.

Dana Pharant

Dana Pharant

Guest Author

For the first 18 years of my life I lived in a mild cult (Jehovah’s Witness) and went through almost every type of abuse available—the whole smorgasbord! Then I moved in with my mom, and found myself in a home that was the polar opposite; everyone was addicted to sex, drugs, and alcohol. I tried to numb out as much as I could by drinking and eating compulsively (I was such a sugar addict!) while at the same time going for counselling. At 21, I graduated as a registered massage therapist (RMT), and by 25 with the help of therapy, I was no longer experiencing nightmares, flashbacks, and other triggers. I was functioning.