1-2-3 NOT ONLY YOU & ME

 

I am excited to introduce “Questions from The Kaleidoscope”, the newest addition to my blog where I take real fan/follower questions and attempt to give the most unbiased, educational, real life answers.

In case you are new to the fun, The Kaleidoscope is a curious, multifaceted, extremely diverse group of people who are all interested in exploring the topics of sex, love and relationships. *info on how to join The Kaleidoscope below

So, I asked the group – “What is your sex question?”

Below are some of what I received!

Let’s get started!

SM Is there any way to hack getting your hips higher for penetration without buying a sex contraption or extra piece of furniture?

There are a variety of positions you can try to get your hips higher than what is available with missionary position. I suggest you go to sexinfo101.com for some ideas. What is great about this site, other than they have over 138 different listed, is that they have 3D animations that will demonstrate how to get into those positions safely.

Other than grabbing a couple of pillows and putting them under your coccyx (lower back), you can try one of my favorite hacks which is a yoga pose called “bridge pose”. It is where you lay on your back, knees bent towards the sky; then, raise your hips up as high as you can manage. Instead of interlocking your hands behind your back, grab your ankles. That will give you stability and something to brace yourself depending on the force of your partner’s thrusts.

When you are ready to try something else, try the arm of your couch (if it is high enough) or other raised surfaces – kitchen counters, the washing machine (if it is not too high). If anything you and your partner can have a laughter infused session romping around the house looking for the best climactic and stable surfaces!

I know you mentioned “without buying a sex contraption or extra piece of furniture” ; however, if you are exceptionally agile or as my friend Star Captain Steph would say, bendy then I recommend you to consider trying out a sex swing or a yoga swing. These have unique pulley systems that allow for you to customize your positions. Also, people will never know your yoga swing isn’t always used for yoga 😉 #dualpurpose

AN So recently discovered I enjoy watching my guy have sex with other women…. Any tips on how to explore this properly and on mentally involvement?

The term is voyeurism, which means you like to watch. Many people enjoy watching others have sex, especially if it is someone they love. You get a unique view of your partner that you would never get otherwise. For most couples this is a bonding, self less experience. For other, less mature couples this can be something that destroys the relationship with flares of jealousy, guilt and distrust.

I will give you a few tips assuming that you are a self-aware, conscious individual.

If you are looking to have experiences with your male lover by inviting another female into the bedroom, first things first COMMUNICATE with each other what you wish to gain and how the experience will please you. You can even use this verbal exchange as foreplay. It does not have to be a rigid or uncomfortable talk.

Next, my recommendation – YOU do the choosing. Before you do the choosing, consider how most women have been conditioned to respond when entering sexual encounters. With that in mind, take that into consideration before choosing the third. Another reason I say for you to do the choosing is because you want to protect yourself in any way from feelings of jealousy or inadequacy that may arise. When you do the choosing, I hope you will be kind to yourself in doing so. I recommend that you choose a third who is more into you than your partner, but also shows your partner favor.

She must be mentally and emotionally stable, which means you may not want to take her to bed within the same night as meeting her, or maybe you do if it is a really amazing conversation, just be prepared to wait if you must. No one says that these types of trysts have to happen all within the span of a night!

Make sure she is understanding of where your boundaries are, ask her where hers are and of course don’t forget your partner’s requests and limits as well.

Something we don’t do in the straight world that we should consider borrowing from gay land is the “what are you into” phrase. In the straight world we seem to forget that sexual encounters are an exchange to be negotiated. In the straight world, once consenting adults get to a yes to sex then people seem to stop talking all together, as if it would ruin the mood. If you are down for sex, you’re down for sex. Make sure you are comfortable when it’s actually going down.

If you know you may be bringing a third home then make sure to set the scene as well. Have clean sheets on the bed, make sure the room smells ready for play. Maybe have a bottle of wine on stand by to calm a few jitters or to discuss play intentions over. I don’t recommend sex with any strangers when you’re wasted because so many things can go south and not in a good way, so be cautious about alcohol consumption. Have clean towels, water, EXTRA condoms or other STD/STI protection methods handy and have a bathroom that is clean and ready for showering and freshening up after play time finishes.

I know the chosen third is the “extra” in these situations, but that does not mean that her feelings weigh less or should be disregarded when it comes to post coital care. Make sure she feels comfortable and cared for as well. Continue communicating and keep your eyes open for unspoken feelings that should be spoken especially before the third leaves.

Have a plan that she is aware of before you all wind up as a beautiful mess of body parts. Does she stay? Does she go? If she stays where? Have a taxi number handy in case Ubers are hard to come by or do not come to your area (if she didn’t drive).

Maybe even joke with your partner beforehand what would happen if she goes absolutely bat shit crazy!

 

I know what I laid out above may sound like a lot, but this is where the answer to the second part of you questions lie. The more effort you put into creating a comfortable safe experience, the better chances you have of protecting your emotions and your bond with your partner.

If you enter an emotionally and sexually charged situation like this on a whim or in the midst of a boozy evening with your lover, or if you do it to prove your “bout-ness” or your laidback-ness, you leave yourself open for some major irreversible consequences. Remember that.

 

My next statement may not get me the popular vote but I will say it anyway. . .

If you are in LTR with your partner, maybe married for 10 years say, and you decided you want to “spice things up” and you (as the wife) want to indulge in a fantasy of yours and/or your husbands by having a threesome, I recommend you hire a professional. Someone who specializes in this dynamic, who is acutely aware of feelings and emotions and is trained to make the experience all about you and your partner without any selfish hidden agendas. And make sure to do your research first!

Lastly, remember shit happens (literally and figuratively!) have laughter prepped for those moments instead of tears or anger. And have F3N!

 

JSS What are women’s thoughts on giving oral? As in, how do you get pleasure from giving? I know how great receiving is, but what are women getting out of it and how can we make it better?

 

Well, JSS, it is hard to generalize, but I will do my best to give you a relatively gender encompassing answer here.

And if you don’t mind I will give advice for giver/receiver so that you can get the best idea of total dynamic.

 

Some women love giving oral. They love the pleasure it brings to their partner and usually that turns them on just as much as the person who is receiving. Some like the taste, the smell, the action. Some like to use that time to touch themselves. For some, that familiarity is a great way to get them in the mood, while getting their partner in the mood as well.

“It turns me on to be the turn on” / “ It turns me on to turn you on”

Some women may have been raised to know that any sex other than the procreative kind, is ungodly and should not occur. I imagine they have a completely different set of views on fellatio.

Some women see giving head as a duty or chore. That could stem from many reasons. Maybe she does not feel her action is equally reciprocated. Maybe she sees sex in general as a burden. Maybe she is not comfortable with her abilities.  Some use it to leverage. *I’d personally like to see less of this happening!

 

WOMEN/GIVERS who would like to give better head, typically go to Cosmo or the internet to learn different techniques (rub the balls, squeeze the base of the shaft, massage the prostate, etc.) but what they are missing is the mental connection.

Technique is one thing, and that is teachable to an extent but what is not typically as easy to convey is that you, as the giver, must actually want to give.

Being in the right mental space before you even put your mouth over the tip of his cock is one sure fire way to start giving some of the best blow jobs of your entire life.

 

Ladies, when you look at him, think. . . (this is like mental one-sided foreplay)

“I am going to rock your fucking world”

“I am going to show you just how good of a choice you made”

“I am going to make you beg”

“I am going to tease you, to lick you, to suck you, to fuck you, to show you that you think you know me, but wait. . .there is so much more”

 

Notice all of those begin with “I am going to”

I would like for more ladies to understand that it is just as much your responsibility to put you in the mood as it is your partners. If you love them (or if you are just trying to show off with a 1 night stand) Make sure you do the work to enjoy it!

 

As clothes get removed, hold the space and the mood you want. You have the penetrable orifice, you make the rules for insertion including the atmosphere. You can keep the vibe with your gaze, your breathing and the words you say to yourself and to your partner either verbally or mentally.

 

Do your best, as the giver to take the person all the way in before you actually take their member into your mouth. Blow jobs can, and in my opinion, should include much more than just a mouth and a penis. Rub the top and inner part of the thighs in big tantric sweeping motions. Vary the pressure, vary the tempo. Caress the sides of his torso. Kiss him on his neck, down his body, on his pelvic bones. Give a little primal nibble here or there. What I have mentioned just now is all technique, but it is technique that can keep things personal for both sides and is taken to the next level should you continue the sexual mantras all the while.

When you look at his penis, have a (I know this may sound strange) conversation with it. I suggest in your head or he may get a little weirded out by it!

Tell it how much you love it. Tell it how much pleasure you are giving it. Tell his penis thank you for the pleasure it brings you. Tell it thank you for allowing you to worship it in this way.

If you want to get dirty with your conversation well. . .go for it!

“One day I am going to let him put you in my ass” – Now that is a different discussion all together 😉

 

Continue loving, worshiping, fucking with your mouth, hands, breath and emotional body. Don’t be shy if you need lubrication on your throat, meaning use your spit to make it easier to take and to go deeper. Take breaks when you need them and take moments to “check in” with the receiver.

 

Sometimes this is just the beginning of play, but if it is not and you agree to have him climax in your mouth, make sure to continue to hold the space you create in whatever way feels natural and comfortable. (A little more detail is given below)

 

Some other good to knows –

If you do not want his hand behind your head, tell him. . .but tell him seductively.

I don’t recommend “surprising” him with certain things you pick up in magazines or blogs (even mine!). I recommend discussing them, as playfully or sensually as you can. Find the boundaries. I promise you will kill the mood (in most cases) if you shove a pinky finger in an ass hole when he is not expecting it because you read somewhere that the male G-spot is best accessed that way. Which is it and can lead to much stronger male orgasms, but he should be prepared for that!

Have a plan when it comes to the big finish. If you let him climax in your mouth, don’t take it and run away to spit it out. That is a sure fire way to disrupt that atmosphere you are worked so hard to enjoy and create. Whether you have a cup to spit into when he finishes or should you choose to swallow, make sure to gently give his penis a little more attention before the session is officially complete. Make sure to give it your last few mental whispers of gratitude and thanks before moving to your partner himself.

 

MEN – do all you can to make the giver comfortable (unless you are her master and the latter is your end goal – different story all together)

Don’t push unless you are following her lead. Let her explore your body. Let her find the things that get the most reactions out of you. Don’t fake something feeling good, because she is sure to interpret it as you liking it and wanting more of it. Tell her if she is doing something you do not like, that tickles, or that turns you off.

And make sure to tell her she is doing a really good job when she finds the parts of you that make you crazy. Use your words, make sure to breathe and moan or grunt when it feels natural. Note that it is not her duty to do anything for you. She does this act for herself, because she loves you.

 

I have a tip for both sexes – use something to cover his eyes, like a pillow or shirt, the first time you decided to have an exploratory session. Not only does this enhance the other senses by taking one away, but it makes her more comfortable to get up close and personal and can give her a boost to be more confident in her curiosities!

 

What do both sexes stand to gain from good head? PLEASURE, SATISFACTION, A BOOST IN CONFIDENCE, STRESS RELIEF, STRONGER BONDING BETWEEN PARTNERS, MEMORIES FOR THE MASTURBATION BANK. . .I could go on! You get the point! Good head is good for you!

 

Last few things – Remember that actual ejaculation is not the measure of a good BJ. Sometimes sex of all sorts is incredible without ejaculation and should not be used to determine success or failure.

And to my casual dick lickers, just a reminder that some STD/STI are orally transferrable. Is it more uncomfortable to ask important questions about someone’s sexual health or for you to be the one telling another that yours is compromised?

 

 

WOW – that’s a lot of words for my first go round! I hope you all found something of value here, and I hope you will explore with me in the next set of Questions from The Kaleidoscope!

 

If you have a question for me, you can send it to alexa@thevioletbutterfly.com

All identities will remain concealed. If you would like something more creative than your initials to represent your question, sign off with a name of your choice!

 

You can join The Kaleidoscope FB group here – https://www.facebook.com/groups/thekaleidoscope/

Only join if you’re not creepy. Curious – good, Creepy – not so much.

I personally monitor everything that goes down in there.

Once your request is accepted you will enter a community space of other curious and exploring individuals of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds who treat each other with respect and love!

In The Kaleidoscope, you also get a daily, sexy “just thought you should know”, you’ll see Kaleidoscope exclusive posts and I will make sure to keep you up to date on all things Violet Butterfly!

 

Check out the official Violet Butterfly site here – www.thevioletbutterfly.com

Feel free to subscribe for other cool & sexy goodies!

 

Annnnnnd you can follow me here –

YouTube – https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5wE2zcMMaUkC9IWmZVcosQ (KALEIDOSCOPE T.V. COMING SOON)

Instagram – alexa.martinez88

Snapchat – alexa.nicole88

Twitter – alexa_nicole88

 

Gratefully yours,

 

Alexa

 

Do you like what you see so far? Great! My dream is to continue doing this full time! There has been public demand for even more content and through various platforms! Because I love giving this all away for free, I ask that you consider supporting me on my journey. Your support allows me to hire people to help edit the content so it gets released faster, allows me to purchase better equipment for higher quality content, and allows for me to keep living! Yay!

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